Encounter First Love〈III〉-Rolling Stone by Sisphus
This is a story of transformation.
A lonely man sitting at home stared at the flowers where he brought for a girl whom just rejected his confession. He fell into a state seemed to be in a trance, thinking over and over about the proposal what he might be missing in the details? "Was I in a hurry and didn't wait for her to finish the dessert?", "I'm stupid! I should have proposed the moment we sat down before she got that damn phone call...", "it's my mistake not asking her out the other day for that show she loves..."
Compulsive rumination is a sign of depressed mood. Ambivalence feeling appearances in ways of reiteration and humiliating like a ritual to end the day in an unwelcome way. It can be seen that attention is drawn to obsessive behaviors and thoughts in order to avoid unbearable feelings such as hatred, shame and fear. We can say that as if "nothing", so unconsciously there is no hard feelings to keep nor to be talked.
Thence a man is short of Free Will and Time by thinking over why a plan cannot be successfully executed or busy formulating an impeccable plan. Those surging and passionate emotions turned into disciplines to avoid any mistakes and unwelcomed situations, like merely restricted in a cage. Controlling is also a pain. "Doing the best" seems hitting on cotton. Others may see it in vain but to him it is just "perfect setting". All of these lead to a very serious psychological burden. What we seen in the counseling, the degree of pain even severe or paralyzes the individual's life, work, interpersonal relationships and professions.
However, precisely controlled and being "simple" aren't an easy and single script adopted for a life? By the law of repetition, the cycle repeats itself that time is offset in the present. Those who suffer in memories have shifted to the new problems now. The question next is how to surmount?
Transcending is a roundabout process that sometimes may break through, yet may retreat back to the safe fortress. This process needs to be followed like Sisyphean rolling stones. Sisyphus is a small figure in the world of the gods, powerless but resisting, he surely understands how miserable his living situation is: this is what he brings to mind when he walks down the mountain. This lucid insight tormented him, but it was also his triumph. There is no destiny that cannot be overcome so long as it is despised.
Here lies all Sisyphus' unspoken joy. His destiny is his own. The absurd man faces his own pain and anxiety making all the gods in silence. He knows he is the master of his life now. Sisyphus returned to his stone, and gazed at this chain of inexplicably unconnected actions becoming to his destiny, created by him, linked all together in his memory, and sealed with his death. His boulder is still there. Yet Sisyphus, displaying sublime devotion to the absurd, rejects any god, and lifts the boulder. This world is no longer dominated by others, and never be barren and meaningless from now on. The very struggle to reach the top of the mountain is enough to fill the heart. We may just discover Sisyphus' happies, and I believe that you, who are suffering, are also enjoying the absurdity of this moment.
Freud, S. (1914) Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through (Further Recommendations on the Technique of Psycho-Analysis II). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XII (1911-1913): The Case of Schreber, Papers on Technique and Other Works, 145-156